From the Seine to the Psychiatrist
by EntirelyInsane
Summary: A variation of Javert's suicide. Completely AU, for what it's worth, and also pure silliness. The work of a friend and I coming back from a field trip...anyways, will be part of a series of variations. Please review-my first posting!


Javert's Suicide

Javert leaned on the parapet, resting his chin in his hands, looking pensively down at the frothing river beneath him. His hat lay on the wall beside him. While reflecting, he unconsciously started shuffling his feet. Suddenly, he stumbled and tottered and fell, having shuffled too far.

Sitting on the cold, damp ground, he heard running footsteps, rapidly approaching. A figure burst from behind a wall. It was Jean Valjean, breathing heavily and clutching the stitch in his side.

"I'm back, Javert!" Then, "Javert, where are you? …Javert? _Javert?_"

Then, upon seeing Javert's hat resting on top of the parapet, Jean assumed that Javert has already thrown himself into the river Seine. Bursting into tears, he scooped up the hat convulsively and clung to it, clasping it to him and sobbing broken-heartedly:

"Oh, no! I – I'm too late! He's – _gone!_ Oh, he's _gone! _P-poor Javert! I always d-did like him! Oh, I am making such a spectacle. _But – poor – dear – Inspector – Javeeerrrrt!_"

And, drawing his "Javert" into a wail, the venerable old man started weeping anew, hugging the hat as if it were Javert himself.

Javert, who had watched these singular proceedings from the ground, now felt his senses come back with a whoosh. He stood up. Jean Valjean, however, did not perceive him, as his face was still buried in the brim of the hat.

Javert, his head cocked slightly to the left, watched Jean for a moment, feeling something that might have been bordering pity, then spoke.

"Valjean, for pity's sake, why are you sobbing into my _hat?" _

With a terrible start, Jean Valjean raised his tear-filled eyes and saw Javert standing before him. Then, with a wonderful cry of "JAVERT!", Jean Valjean leaped at Javert and flung his arms around him. The inspector gasped, partly out of surprise and partly because he felt his breath being knocked out.

"Oh, Javert! I thought you had jumped into the river! You mustn't ever do such a thing! When I saw your had there, I feared the worst! Oh, but I was wrong! Yes, I am glad I was wrong!" Jean laughed.

'_Evidently,' _Javert thought dryly,then, when he could breathe again, he squirmed out of his enemy's cobra hug and said repulsively, "Valjean, get _off _me."

"Oh, yes. I'm sorry."

Javert snatched his now rather soggy hat out of Jean Valjean's hands and crammed it back onto his head, a little lopsidedly. "I like my personal space," he muttered. He turned back to face the water. Until, that is, he felt a large kick in the back.

He spun around.

"Now, who did that?" he demanded. "Who just _kicked_ me?"

Looking around and seeing no one but Jean Valjean, he narrowed his eyes. Then he saw a small, smudged face, peeking out from behind a wall. It was a little girl. Slowly, she raised her hand.

Javert, mastering his surprise, said "Why?"

"B-b-because…" whimpered the little creature, "there was a sign on the b-back of your coat that s-said 'Kick Me!'"

"Wha-" Javert glared accusingly at Jean Valjean, who quickly shrugged, the corners of his mouth twitching suspiciously. Feeling very worn and irritable, Javert exclaimed, "How dare you! You are arrested. Fifteen years at the galleys for manhandling an agent of the government!"

The girl's bottom lip trembled dangerously. Frightened, she whispered, "_M-mommy_?"

Javert raised his eyebrows. "Who is your…mommy?" He cringed slightly at the word.

"C-Cosette."

"…And…your…daddy?" (Another flinch)

"M-m-Marius."

"You are the _daughter_ of _Cosette_ and _Marius_?" The child nodded. Frowning, Javert murmured, "What a frightful stuttering problem." Then, "So, I really have been contemplating suicide for an entire generation?" He glanced at Jean Valjean, who nodded solemnly. Discouraged, Javert turned back to the river, which suddenly looked very welcoming. "Then my life really has been wasted. There is but one path to take now–"

Javert suddenly leaped onto the parapet and started to clamber up. But, with a cry of "NOOOOO!" Jean Valjean launched himself at Javert, and, fastening his arms around the inspector's waist, tore him down with a valiant struggle. The two men went sprawling over the ground, both of them panting heavily. The dignified Javert scrambled up first, straightening his coat and replacing his hat.

Jean, sitting up, craned his neck and looked up at Javert as the little child scampered off. "That's not really Cosette's daughter. She's a street girl whom I paid ten francs to get her to pretend she was. You've really only been contemplating suicide for about twenty minutes. I just ran that test to see how close to suicide you are." Then, quite seriously, he added, "You're much too close for comfort, monsieur. A week's vacation would do you well."

************

Three days later found Javert sitting on a beautiful, sunny beach in the Bahamas. The water was of a lovely deep blue, sparkling in the sunlight. There was a slight breeze, and the shouts of children's laughter filled the air. But Javert, meanwhile, was clad in his full inspector suit, face screwed up, fists clenched, unconsciously murmuring aloud and therefore receiving some strange looks.

"Relax. I've got to…_relax_. Can't let myself think of…VALJEAN!!!"

Here he leaped up, quite demented and giving the other vacationers good reason to think he was a raving lunatic. They stared at him blankly as he slapped himself.

"No!" Javert slapped himself a good many times till his face stung, then sat back down. "Don't think of that man. _Relax."_

Twitch, twitch.

"No. _Relax_."

Twitch, twitch.

"I must not…"

Twitch.

"…think…"

Twitch.

"…_calm_…"

Twitch…

"AARGH!!" Javert, very distressed, jumped back up and accusingly pointed at all the people surrounding him. "I arrest all of you! I have to arrest someone. Ten years! Toulon! The chain gang!"

Twitch.

"Valjean was right." Javert cursed under his breath. "Maybe I need to see a therapist."

Two children walking past him blinked, then nodded.

***********

So Javert traveled back to France, and was stopped by customs officials three times along the way because of the wild look in his eyes that made him seem a very strange character, not to mention giving him the appearance of a hunted animal.

Five days later found him in a little therapist's office with an old, white-haired man who was watching him with a mixture of amusement and pity as he poured out his heart.

"…And – it's - my life has been worthless!" Javert sobbed into his hands. "I've – spent – my – entire – life…" The poor inspector was temporarily unable to continue as a fresh bout of sobs seized him, and he wept bitterly, his shoulders shaking.

The therapist handed him a handkerchief and patted his shoulder comfortingly. "There, now," he said encouragingly, "It's all right, monsieur. Just keep going when you're ready to tell me more."

Javert sat up again, roughly wiping his face. "Thank you, I'm all right now," he insisted, his voice breaking. "Anyway, I just get this horrible feeling" – tears sprang back into his eyes – "that my whole…life's been…wasted" – he let out an involuntary sob – "hunting after that…cursed…24603!!" Here Javert completely broke down, and, weeping miserably, he slumped into his chair, quite speechless.

"Ah, you mean 24601," the therapist corrected.

"Yes, that's the-" Javert stopped abruptly, his cries silenced. He raised his tear-stained face from his hands. "Wait a minute – how would _you _know?"

The therapist smiled. "Jean Valjean, at your service, monsieur," he said, removing a wig with a sweeping gesture and bowing.

Javert stared at Jean Valjean with wide, blank eyes for a moment, then, with a sigh, he keeled over and fainted.

**OPTIONAL EPILOGUE**

"No!" Jean Valjean watched in horror as Javert fell backwards off his chair, hit the floor with a dull thud, and lay motionless. Jean rushed to the side of the unconscious inspector, and, thinking he was dead, bowed his head. "I have killed Javert. Poor, poor, Javert," he murmured. "I have committed yet another crime. My life is worthless."

So Jean Valjean goes and commits suicide.

Cosette, brokenhearted, follows in his footsteps. Then Marius, the Eponine, then Gavroche, then Enjolras, then Azelma, then the Thenardiers, and so on, in a pathetic, deadly chain.

Soon enough, Javert rouses, and sits up dazedly. When he realizes the chain of suicides he's caused, he feels horrible.

So he goes and jumps into the river.


End file.
